Fast Food Horror Stories: McDonald's Shoots Its Burgers with a Heat Ray

June 22, 2012 3:20 PM EDT | By Anthony Smith
McDonald's (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

And there you have it, folks: the grossest headline you'll see in years. Like Buck Rogers and Duck Dodgers before them, McDonald's has taken to shooting its burgers with a heat ray to get them ready for production.

Fortunately for your organs, we're not talking mass production here. We're talking about their marketing: that Platonic ideal of a burger you see rotating on your television screens, with its all-beef patty textured such that you can see every nook and cranny; with its perfectly poised golden-brown sesame seed buns; with its lettuce and tomato so fresh you can see every last rivulet of water from the last time the supermarket spritzed it-- what's the difference between that burger and the lifeless excuse for a sandwich you get in-store? They shoot it up, and then they shoot it.

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In an incredibly bizarre why-the-heck-would-you-do-this move, Hope Bagozzi, director of marketing for McDonald's Canada, posted a youtube video wherein she orders a burger from a franchise in Toronto, then compares it to the commercial, using the time to explain how the food stylists spend hours and hours to inspect the sandwich, use a syringe to squirt the condiments onto it, use a heat gun to melt the cheese just so, and finally photoshop up all the imperfections that can't be shot at.

It's a compelling video because it applauds all the unsung heroes that make your food look good, but what we don't understand is why we can't have a video that shows McDonald's going the extra mile (lord knows they have the money) to make sure that a team of people puts as much care and effort into making their burgers taste good as they do making them look good in the commercials.

Till then, we remain unimpressed. Well, that's not true. A homage to McDonald's oatmeal is coming so soon.


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