It's called Maggi Sauce, and it's a "dark, hydrolyzed vegetable protein-based sauce which is very similar to East Asian soy sauce except for that it does not actually contain soy." If that doesn't make you salivate, you can go ahead and cancel your next neurologist appointment because nothing's wrong with you. Bottles of Maggi sauce have been sitting, overlooked, in American markets since 1886. In stark contrast to its inability to catch on in the states, it's a staple condiment throughout a range of countries that run the culinary gamut from the Germanic to the Asiatic.

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Buy a bottle; it'll change your life. Here's four things do to with it once you do:

1. Jazz up your Fried Tofu

Remember our article about the tofu press? Of course you do, and chances are you were so compelled to buy one and use it at every meal that you've run out of things to do with it.

Look no further than Maggi sauce. The stuff is so potent that marinading your tofu in it would even be too much: just press the tofu till it reaches its desired level of unsquishiness, dip it in a bowl of whisked egg, let the egg drip off, then fry it in a pan with a quarter-inch of sizzling hot oil in it, flipping once golden-brown.

While it's drying on a paper towel, top your tofu with a drizzle of Maggi sauce. Serve immediately.

2. Cook your kale with it.

Kale's so healthy that it can vouch for just about anything you serve it with. We'll be the first to tell you once we've cracked the code for a Kale doughnut; till that day, here's a kitchen-sink approach to cooking the superfood that only uses one item on top your kitchen sink: your new bottle of Maggi sauce.

Start by sauteing three cloves of chopped garlic in olive oil, then add your kale. Once the kale starts to shrink and glow a vibrant green, add a few shakes of Maggi sauce, Thai chili sauce, and about a fourth a cup of vegetable broth. Cover the pot and cook for ten minutes. Taste the kale afterwards. It should be ready for cooking. Serve alongside any meat you like, or eat on its lonesome.

3. Top ice cream with it.

By this point, Maggi sauce will have become an addiction. You'll want to put it in just about everything, and it holds up surprisingly well in sweet stuff.

Choose your favorite brand of Dulce De Leche. We recommend Haagen Daas. Top it with a few squirts of Maggi sauce, and some chopped strawberries.

4. Dip your fries in it.

My mom talks about being served this in Polo Club in the seventies, so you know it's decadent as heck. Prepare fries whichever way is best for you, either from scratch (if you're Superman) or right out of the bag (if you're Everyman), and squirt Maggi sauce on top of a small helping of good mayonnaise. Dip your fries.

We just added a notch to your belt to go with the inch to your waistline. Sorry.