No More Nanny State! The Best Reasons to Get as Fat as Possible, as Fast as Possible

June 29, 2012 2:52 PM EDT | By Anthony Smith
This used to be the standard of beauty. Consider this a long-term investment in the simple truth that retro never dies. (Photo: Creative Commons)

America, I'm exhausted. And I'm not just talking about your typical burrito-related-weariness, I'm getting at something deeper, something more spiritual than even that. I'm talking about the hoops that our government keeps asking us to jump through, in spite of the well-documented fact that most of us scored a "Taft" on our Presidential Fitness Tests.

I'm sick of it, Washington! Just because you're black-and-blue-and-red-all-over doesn't mean you can keep sending us mixed messages. We have all our ducks in a row, and just because we're gonna confit them doesn't mean that you shouldn't get yours together, too.

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First, you tell us we can't serve trans fats anymore, or even eat them in our own homes because some people couldn't regulate their behavior, or even their insulin levels. Sure, I'm saving money on paper towels because I no longer have to pat my fruit loops dry-- but isn't that the very definition of government overreach? By that fuzzy logic, can't our Nanny State just mandate that we buy less paper towels if spending less money on paper towels in general is such a good thing?

More importantly and less hypothetically, doesn't the fact that we now have this unpatriotic new healthcare mandate (which, like Twilight, no one has read but everyone hates) contradict earlier rulings that force us to be healthier? What I mean is, if I'm paying for healthcare, shouldn't I want to get sick as possible? That wasn't rhetorical, by the way; the answer is yes. Our country was built on the exact same pragmatism and ingenuity I've just displayed.  

So unless Michelle Obama can figure out a way to grow hot, crispy bacon out of the ground, I'm going to salt her precious earth. Actually, that sounds like hard work. Tell you what, I'm going to hire ten unpaid interns to salt one-tenth of the earth of one paid worker. Not only will they be getting college credit, but unlike those awful pigs on Wall Street who are doing all that lying, cheating, and protesting, these young people will have learned a life-skill.

You're either with me or against me. I hope you're not against me, because my self-esteem is at an all-time low for reasons that have nothing to do with my diet. But If you're with me, here are the best reasons to spite our government and get the most from this brand-new, not-actually-a-tax tax by getting as fat as possible, as fast as possible. You won't need a butter knife to cut these corners.

Although disclaimer: you may get diabetes, or balloon up to a size 30 waist like I did, but since you've been paying for everyone's insulin and Obama's tailor, that's just money you've already been spending. 

1. Make yourself a Paula Deen breakfast sandwich.

Let's face it: you're tired of spending the night at the Holiday Inn just so you can enjoy a continental breakfast. Television Chef and Kraft-Singles-Dairy-Fairy Paula Deen devised a solution that crams a week's worth of room service into one portable sin.

Grab two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. If you don't live near a Krispy Kreme, just soak two pop tarts in a simple syrup (that's one part sugar, one part water). In a separate deep fryer, combine scrambled eggs, sausage, and cheese. It is perfectly natural for your dog to sniff the drippings and run away: that's how you know it's people food.

Assemble the sandwich as such: put rubber gloves on your hands, take your Red Lobster bib out of the wash and throw it over your neck, doughnut, eggs, cheese, sausage, doughnut. Wink at your sandwich before you eat it; after all, that's what it's doing to you.

2. Treat the local cheese shop like a gas station.

When you become a regular at your local cheese shop (might we actually recommend the worth-every-penny Bedford Cheese Shop on North 3rd and Bedford Avenue?), they'll laugh at all your jokes. A good joke to make is to walk in around lunch time and say "Fill 'er up, please!" and shake your wallet out onto the floor. Oh, the artful mirth of the Rubinesque!

Everyone knows that dairy fat isn't exactly good for you, but since it's on the food pyramid, it isn't exactly bad for you. Finish off your daily spoke of cheese wheel with a canola oil shooter. You're such a foodie!

3. Electric scooters!

The title speaks for itself. After you break your belt and your bank, you can probably get your doctor to write you a prescription for an electric scooter. Don't worry: these aren't the kind of electric scooters you have to stand up for.

This is truly living. You'll finally be able to do nothing and go anywhere. And also, that Wal-Mart basket your scooter comes with can be swapped out for a tray.

4. Reality TV Show Deal About Food

Have you ever wanted to be a famous TV food personality? Now's your chance. You know those reality tv shows where family members hold their loved ones' hands as a dumptruck pours all the shredded cheese they eat in one year into a hole as deep as the earth?

Instead of crying in response, look right into the camera and start yelling everything you know about sage and brown butter. If Bravo TV's Andy Cohen isn't too busy eating the Bugles off his fingers, he's probably watching. You'll be getting a phone call soon.

5. Seamless

I know what you're thinking: "But Anthony, there's weather and other people outside. I think I'm just going to order delivery." My poor friend, just because you haven't seen your cell phone in months doesn't mean that you should forget how heavy it is.

If you've been taking my advice, you're probably going to push multiple numbers at once anyway. And I guarantee you that you're not just paranoid: Siri is organizing an intervention for you. And she used to be your slave!

No worries: with the same effort it takes to bring up last night's episode of The Middle, you can also get food delivered straight to your door without talking to anyone. Just go to, pick a restaurant, click some buttons, and it's on its way. You didn't have to talk to anyone. Heck, you're not even sure if you spent any money!

Put down your copy of Of Human Bondage. You're finally free.


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