Hooters Wants to Open in Brooklyn! We Recommend The Five Best Neighborhoods for Them to Set Up Shop
As we reported earlier today, the Hooters empire of chicken strippers and lady wings is looking to expand into Brooklyn, the hippest New York City borough of literally all time ever. Earlier this year, they had their sites set on Park Slope, but those plans were successfully thwarted by a bunch of parents who don't want their children to grow up in the shadow of bad burgers.
We can't blame them. After all, Hooters is synonymous with many things, but not many of them are quality. And ultimately, Hooters has regrouped its efforts and may or may not have its sites set on Coney Island.
But, given that many Coney Island business owners would like their famously gritty neighborhood to maintain its integrity, or at least its charms, such an opening has been met with skepticism and cynicism.
Don't worry, Hooters! There are lots of places in Brooklyn that *do* want your business, or don't even know they want your business. Here are our recommendations:
Fifth Place - Park Slope
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. You were right on the money when you wanted to open your joint in Park Slope. Young parents need a place to get away from their babies, and what better place to do that then at a chain synonymous with escapism, or at least deep-fried carnality? Just make sure to have a place for people to park their strollers and you'll be all set.
Also, as Park Slope is a neighborhood that loves its fried stuff, make sure your stuff is on point. If you build it, they will come. But they won't stay if it's not, at the very least, mediocre.
Fourth Place - Kensington
There are three horsemen of gentrification in New York City: Starbucks, Corcorran Realty, and a New York Times in which they write about a neighborhood as if it were a veritable L-Train accessible Marrakech. But three horsemen does not an apocalypse make.
Hooters, you're primed to be the fourth rider. Pop-on over to Kensington; it's a little out of the way, but we think you should be, too. And, given that admission into the bars in Kensington is something of a local heritage, you'd be creating a neutral space for the young hipsters who are starting to trickle on in.
That's something, isn't it?
Third Place - Coney Island
Okay, so there's something to opening a Hooters in Coney Island. Granted, we believe just as strongly as everyone that local businesses should be supported. But when you look at the businesses on Coney Island, would a Hooters really be competing with anything?
As far as the more performative aspect of Hooters goes, people aren't going to come to Coney Island just to gawk at ladies-- they're coming to gawk at other stuff. If a Hooters can put you out of business in that respect, then chances are you're not nearly as weird as you should be.
And if Hooters can beat you when it comes to food, well, what are you doing?
Plus, it would be opening a late-night eating place, which is something that Coney Island sorely lacks.
Second Place - Gowanus
Where, and what exactly, is Gowanus? No one knows, but if you go there, it'll be "the neighborhood with the Hooters."
First Place - North Williamsburg
If a Hooters opens up in North Williamsburg, it will OWN everything there. At present, The Whiskey dominates the late night scene in a way that hipper options, like The Wythe Hotel, could only dream of competing with.
What's the difference between these two joints? The latter is hip and swanky, contributing to the atmosphere that made the neighborhood famous. The former is a really bro-laden sports bar. You do the math, if you haven't been pounding Natty all night.
Let's face it, everyone: somewhere along the line, North Williamsburg got really fratty. And fratty people love themselves some Hooters.
But what about hipsters? They'll come for the irony. Hell, they'll buy your merchandise.
But above all, North Williamsburg is a neighborhood for young people with money to spend. And since young people spend money really stupidly, well, your coffers will be ringing like there's no tomorrow.
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