Bath Salts? More Like Veal Salts! Here's How To Make It at Home

September 4, 2012 5:34 PM EDT | By Anthony Smith
Veal
Here's how to make a pretty amazing salt that's been infused with the essence of veal, America's only non-secret form of torture. (Photo: Creative Commons)

America, I love French Fries. Sure, I know that's not any kind of revelation-- both because I've written about my love for them before, and because I'm a rational human being, and rational human beings love french fries. It's the one thing vegans and non-vegans alike can agree on.

And with that, I must unfortunately turn my back on my vegan friends after a weekend of talking about how much I love them to talk about my favorite way to eat french fries: with the essence of veal seeping through them like some kind of unstoppable, edible sex.

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Okay, maybe it's weird to conflate sad, water-boarded baby cow with sex, but we're kinky when it comes to food. And in the spirit of that risqueness, every time I ate a french fry, I wished it would have a meatier flavor to it. You can't really soak the potato in a meat stock beforehand, so that was out of the picture. The easiest answer was always to fry the potatoes in animal lard, but who has that much lard lying around?

The answer, then, was so simple, I could've punched myself for not thinking of it earlier: make a salt bursting with the essence of veal.

Here's how to do that, and then what to do with it. It seriously could not be more simple than this.

1. Line a casserole tin with a single layer of kosher salt, approximately three cups.

2. Pour two cups of veal stock over the top. You can make veal stock by covering veal bones in just enough water, throwing in some chopped carrots, onions, and maybe a few sprigs of thyme, and simmering it on low till it reaches the depth of flavor you want from it.

3. Bake the dish at 180 Degrees Fahrenheit overnight, or basically until all the liquid has evaporated. Check on it every three hours or so, making sure that when it develops a sticky, brown consistency, you give it a good stir, then redistribute it throughout the pan.

4. Leave the dish out to dry a little more.

5. Store it in a tupperware, or in a salt shaker. It'll keep forever.

What do we like to do with it? If you toss it on french fries, you'll get a bite that's pretty unbelievable. it's like a poutine, but without all that gravy or cheese that's probably conspiring to give you the most delicious form of cancer ever.

If you make fresh pasta, it's an awesome way of tasting every single part of the noodle you just rolled. Just toss in a little butter, sprinkle your veal salt, and add the slightest squeeze of lemon if an acid is very important to you. You could also do a tomato water, but who has the time for that?

We do, that's who.



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