Pig Shortage 2013: What Will Life Be Like in a Pork-Free 2013? Ten Predictions for a Ghastly Society

This is what those Mayans were talking about when they said the world would end in 2012.

September 27, 2012 3:11 PM EDT | By Anthony Smith
As you've probably already read, in 2013, there's going to be a serious shortage of pigs. The global drought (you probably know it as "really nice winter") that ravaged our Heartland just nine short months ago decimated our yield of corn and soya. Since these two key ingredients compose the majority of cheap, efficient pig feed, pig slaughter (or as I like to call it, pork production) will have to be cut by a factor of 10% by 3Q and 4Q in 2013. (Photo: Stock Photo)

This has been reported pretty extensively at this point, so I'll just give the bare-bones facts: what those of us in the Northeast know as the wonderfully warm winter of 2012, others knew as the devastating drought that decimated our global yield of corn and soy crops. Since corn and soy are key ingredients in pig feed, this shortage resulted in a pig shortage by a projected degree of ten percent fewer pigs slaughtered by Q3 and Q4 of 2013.

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If you can't wrap your head around what ten percent fewer pigs means, then just remember this: experts are saying that pig products could double in price at the supermarket.

Here are ten more predictions for a pig-free 2013:

10. Charlotte will spin the words "delicious," "asking for it," and "asleep right now" into her web.

9. Smorgasburg will just be one guy selling kombucha.

8. No, we still won't eat turkey bacon because there isn't a self-respect shortage.

7. David Chang will be found convulsing in his bed, chanting: "I could've saved more... I could've saved more..."

6. Alejandro González Iñárritu will direct a movie called "Babe-l," about how all different kinds of people miss eating their nation's signature pork product.

5. Coca Cola will shelve its "Diet Coke with Bacon" flavor, opting for the more optimistically named "Diet Coke with Less Carcinogens than If It Had Bacon"

4. The South will have no redeeming qualities.

3. George Clooney will direct a documentary about how he isn't eating his pet pig, Max. The documentary will win an Oscar. Clooney will give a speech about how Hollywood has always led the charge in not eating pork, then shoot a knowing look to the front row.

2. Lady Gaga will eat the parts of her bacon dress that she hasn't already eaten.

1. Bain Capital will buy a pig. 

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