Hostess Brands Bankruptcy: Top 5 Foods That Will Be Missed … And Their Retro Commercials!

Opinion

November 16, 2012 2:13 PM EST | By Mo Mozuch
Hostess is no more.
photo: YouTube.com (Photo: YouTube)

Oh, Hostess say it isn't so! The mega-bakery, home to beloved brands like Twinkie and Wonder Bread, is going rotund-belly-up after a long labor dispute has forced the company into bankruptcy. INSERT SAD MUSIC HERE

"Hostess Brands Inc. today announced that it is winding down operations and has filed a motion with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court seeking permission to close its business and sell its assets, including its iconic brands and facilities," the company said in a statement on its website.

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Many Americans will no doubt feel a tinge of remorse as they remember the simpler times when they were children and the highlight of the dreary schoolday was a cellophane wrapped Hostess snack, almost certainly containing a cream center. Or the Roe v. Wade of recess debates: Twinkies v. Cupcakes. (Sno Balls, with their dreadful coconut coating and Pepto pink color, were the territory of the really weird kids)

While the future of the brands remains unclear, it is almost a certainty that someone (probably a Mexican billionaire) will buy the big name brands like Twinkies and Wonder Bread. But what of the off-brand Hostess delights? What tasty treats are likely to fall by the wayside? Here are the Top 5 foods that will be missed once Hostess shuts down completely.

1. Ding-Dongs

Not quite a cupcake, not quite a donut, the Ding Dong is the middle road between the two. Sure, it looks like a hockey puck made of turds, but the foil wrapped (for a while anyway) snack cake delivers the classic Hostess experience. Unlike the Hostess Cupcake, which only had chocolate on the top, the Ding Dong was ensconced in a delicious layer of processed chocolate stuff. Best enjoyed when microwaved for appx 15 seconds, the Ding Dong will be missed. (Silver Lining: Drake's Cakes makes a similar product, the Ring Ding, so Dong enthusiasts can still get their fix.)

2. Fruit Pies

 The Hostess Fruit Pie is the snack food equivalent of lead. By far the densest snack cake on the market, one fruit pie weighs approximately 17 lbs. (unofficial) Characterized by the film-on-the-roof-of-your-mouth-from-mad-amounts-of-shortening-laden crust with a sugary, gluey glaze the glory of the fruit pie is in the middle. Sweet, delicious fruity goop that in no way provides any of the taste-inhibiting vitamins and minerals found in real fruit, the Hostess Fruit Pie was an early pioneer of putting a word like 'fruit' on something that could give Willy Wonka diabetes.

3. Choco-Dile

They run kind of a one-trick pony over at hostess research and development. No doubt an executive meeting started with "We have all these damn Twinkies that never go bad, what do we do with them?" The answer: cover them in chocolate and create one of the most insanely tasty treats ever. Compound the fanaticism by enacting draconian geographic limitations and make it available only on the West Coast and you have a cult classic. Best served slightly chilled to minimize melting.

4. Donuts (And Donettes)

Another beloved Hostess product almost certainly doomed to disappear. After all, it's not like donuts are some crazy trademarkable unique item. Anyone living in any city anywhere can probably find a Dunkin Donuts with a blindfold and a pair of roller skates. But Hostess donuts were, for many, THE source of donut love in the mornings. Donettes only made things easier by increasing the amount of good stuff (suspiciously-tangy-powdered sugar and waxy chocolate coating) while decreasing the amount of 'food,' i.e. cake, in each bite. And any food that comes in a sleeve is going to be cooler than a food that comes in a box. Period.

5. Sno Balls

As the above clip illustrates, Sno Balls are freaking weird. Hostess starts with their trademark creativity (it's an upside down cupcake) and then decides to go all Hendrix-At-Woodstock and cover the thing with a trippy mix of gooey marshmallow and pink coconut. At their peak, hostess was producing around 30 million Sno Balls a year. No official statistics on how many of them were actually eaten versus how many were destroyed by punk-ass kids squishing them on convenience store shelves nationwide.



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